Christmas Break

Vacations usually make me happy.  The never ending list of the movies and TV series I’ll binge-watch and the smell of books I’ll finally have the time to read. The me-time I’ve been craving.  But, here I am, alone in my room, completely surrounded by a fully loaded Hard drive and newly bought books and food, still feeling dull. All I could think about is how I want to spend time with people that I miss. People. (I’m trying to reduce the hopeless-romantic-vibe a bit, haha!) I want night outs on beaches with bonfires and stars. I want movie marathon on pillow forts with lots of food. I wanna talk and laugh about the things that happened this year, as it is about to end. I want to hear their plans about the coming years and share mine, too, if have any by then. But now that I think about it, I wanna travel alone, too! I wanna go all soul search-y. If I only had the money. Hahahaha! What are your plans this Christmas break? 🙂

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Beep beep boop!

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this happy. And its weird ’cause I know there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t be. And if you’ve read my recent entries, you know I am one hell of a negative person. So, as I get closer and closer to this person I’ve been talking about  for a while now, I am learning more about him and him about me. There are things that were hard to believe, and accept, at first. But I know its all in the past now, plus, I’ve had worst. I don’t know.  I’m just really happy when he’s with me. I might be picking all the wrong choices here, but it feels right. And maybe its time to just let go of all the worries and just let myself be happy. What do you think?

Insomnia

Its 4:26am.
I know you’re sleeping. ‘Cause you never stay up too late.

I’m wide awake.
Listening to the rain.
Wondering,
How your fingers would feel
Across my skin,
If you were here.
Or how you voice would sound,
While you’re trying to keep up,
‘Cause you know that
Sleep always comes late to me.

I’m here,
Craving your presence.
Wishing you’re craving mine as much.
Or maybe a bit more.
A bit more each day.
Because I know.
Some nights from now,
At 4:26am,
You’ll be craving someone else’s.

Sana sinabi mo na lang agad. Para sana di na ko naniwala. Ang tanga tanga ko rin naman kasi. Kahit na ilang pang pader tinatayo ko, ako rin mismo tumitibag. Sana di na lang ako umasa sa lahat ng sinabi mo, kasi ganun mo lang pala kabilis babawiin. Sana ganun lang din kadali sakin. Kasi sawang sawa na ko sa ganito. Palagi na lang. Pagod na pagod na ko. Paulit ulit lang. Ganun lang talaga siguro kadali lumabas pasok sa buhay ko. Siguro nga mas mabuti nang ako na lang magisa. Kasi ako, alam ko kung ano gusto ko, sana ikaw rin.

Tangina mo.

Why We Fail at Love

Why do I fail in love? A question that’s almost always unasked. One might say that in the end, in really doesn’t even matter. And that it would be a waste of time, to ponder upon things that you can’t change any longer. But as I was walking, on my way home, I started wondering, is something wrong with me? Probably. Besides my insecurities and my issues, there’s something I can’t point my finger on, but I know its there. And I notice it more and more, like a broken limb or something. And probably, this is why I fail. Then I remembered something I read. The 34 Excuses for Why We Failed at Love by Warsan Shire. Here they are (with my personal thoughts):

1. I’m lonely so I do lonely things.

Including loving you, and holding on to the thought of you loving me back. Which was toxic, ’cause we both know that the timing is not right. And maybe, It will never be. Loneliness is addicting, although some won’t admit it. Its a choice I keep choosing, ’cause happiness is something beyond my comfort zone. Maybe this is why I refuse to forget you.
2. Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same.

Sometimes, I think I never came back at all.


3. You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood.
4. I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a ride home.

And then I realized, I never really wanted to leave.


5. You’re a ghost town I’m too patriotic to leave.

Patriotic is a nice way of saying it. *Sigh*


6. I stay because you’re the beginning of the dream I want to remember.

But I know I have to wake up soon.


7. I didn’t call him back because he likes his girls voiceless.
8. It’s not that he wants to be a liar; it’s just that he doesn’t know the truth.
9. I couldn’t love you, you were a small war.
10. We covered the smell of loss with jokes.

All of the half meant jokes, follow by forced laughter. *SIGH*


11. I didn’t want to fail at love like our parents.
12. You made the nomad in me build a house and stay.
13. I’m not a dog.
14. We were trying to prove our blood wrong.
15. I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things.
16. Yes, I’m insecure, but so was my mother and her mother.
17. No, he loves me he just makes me cry a lot.
18. He knows all of my secrets and still wants to kiss me.
19. You were too cruel to love for a long time.
20. It just didn’t work out.

But, Oh God, it could have.


21. My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back.
22. I can’t sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth.
23. I cut him out at the root, he was my favorite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home.
24. The women in my family die waiting.
25. Because I didn’t want to die waiting for you.
26. I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me.
27. You’re the song I rewind until I know all the words and I feel sick.
28. He sent me a text that said “I love you so bad.”
29. His heart wasn’t as beautiful as his smile.
30. We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love.
31. Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you.
32. I’m a lover without a lover.
33. I’m lovely and lonely.
34. I belong deeply to myself.

Have you ever said something and regretted it immediately? I just did. Had I known that he’ll completely ignore it, I wouldn’t have taken the courage to say it. Now I feel pathetic, for actually sending it and waiting for a reply. It feels like I’m desperate or something. Ugh, damn it. Oh well, at least I had the balls to say it. Unlike some…