This Saturday will be the biggest day of my life so far. I will /try to/ defend my thesis from three jurors, ready to pop my campaign’s cherry.

All my friends are done. They are already getting back all the sleep and weight they lost and  using the hashtag #GradWaiting every chance they get. While I’m still here, dreading the weekend, wishing for all of it to be over.

I am not diagnosed with anything, but I’m pretty sure I have some kind of anxiety disorder. I can never talk in front of a crowd without wishing for death right before I speak. And even after I survived the talk, I’d spent  following hours feeding my brain with every negative result I could get.  If I text my boyfriend and he doesn’t reply within 10 minutes, I get really uncomfortable. Waiting is never my game, I get too paranoid. I spend hours wondering what others think of me. I care too much of what they think. I can’t sleep even though I’m dead tired. And when I do, I’d wake up too early, having only like 3-4 hours of sleep. These are just some of the bullshit I can’t stop doing. The list could go on until the word limit is reached.

I am not like any other people in my school. I dont know what this is, depression or anxiety, or both. All I know is that, I feel more. And its really hard for me to express these extra emotions to others because they can’t understand. So with this deliberation, I say to people that I’m nervous. And they’d think its just the normal-sweaty-palm-nail-biting-type of nervous. But its really the Oh-God-kill-me-now-death-is-better-than-this-type. And I may say it funny, but its true.

I’m taking all the help I could get. But in the end, its all up to me. I’m not sure if I could defend it properly. But I really did give my best on my artworks.  I just hope I pass. Please pray for me 😦


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